Windows Live Writer

I'm a sucker for new programs even if they aren't particularly useful.  Windows Live Writer seems nifty.  It's a program you put on your desktop that you can use to write blog posts and upload them without having to connect to a particular website, etc.  It's WYSIWYG ("what you see is what you get" for you non-nerdy) and makes it pretty easy to edit and publish posts from what I can tell.  Blogger has its own fairly useful post-writing tool but I guess this is cool too.  I'm sure there are all sorts of features I know nothing about.  My biggest problem with this program is that it's a bit harder to do the picture thing than with Blogger, and the difficult of entering tags/labels for the posts.  This post is sort of a dry run.

One feature I find pretty awesome is the "Insert Map" option.  I can plug in an address and get a nifty satellite view of a place.  It's not especially useful but it is neato.  For example, let's say I want to describe the building I had most of my classes at when I was at CSU Hayward.  I could talk about it and then show you this picture.  I'm not sure why I would ever whant to describe it, or why this picture would be particularly useful...but it's things like this that make people like me happy.

Anyway, we'll see if this is actually useful or something I stick with.  But for now it's fun enough to keep my attention.

How (Not) To Speak of God - Pt. 2

At long last I'm actually posting on the content of the book. Things have a tendency of getting out of control, especially around Christmas/New Years and with a baby and an ill wife. So anyway, on to discussing some of the content of this book, How (Not) to Speak of God.

The first half of the book is entitled "Heretical Orthodoxy: From Right Belief to Believing in the Right Way." In his introduction of this part of the book Rollins lays out what he will further develop in the ensuing chapters. He offers a definition of theology and says that "theology, in its modern form, has been concerned with upholding and defending the notion of orthodoxy as that which articulates a correct understanding of God." (p. 2) Rollins then states his belief that this is an inadequate way to "do" theology, since:

"Naming God is never really naming God but only naming our understanding of God. To take our ideas of the divine and hold them as if they correspond to the reality of God is thus to construct a conceptual idol built from the materials of our mind." (p.2)

I am with him up to a point here. Surely God, being infinite, is greater than the ability of finite humans to completely grasp. We can't know all there is to know about God and we might even say that our understanding of God cannot fully do Him justice. For example, I might say "God is holy" and I might describe what I mean by that. But am I fully capturing what it means for God to be holy? I doubt it. But am I to be considered an idolater because I am trying to describe God and saying that my description of Him in some way "corresponds to the reality of God?" It seems to me that Rollins believes we cannot meaningfully speak of God's attributes here. He's saying when we try to describe God and say our description corresponds to reality then we are creating idols instead of actually describing God.

I am puzzled by this because he later says "To love is to know God precisely because God is love." (p. 3) How can he say we cannot make statements that correspond to the reality of God and then say God is love and we can precisely konw God when we love? Rollins goes on to say "the emerging community, at its best, can teach us again that love must be the first word on our lips and the last, and that we must seek to incarnate that sacred word in the world." (p. 3) I am on board with this to an extent. Love is key and it has been lost. But if you're trying to outline a system of belief here, how can you at one time claim we can't make any statements that correspond to reality with regard to God and then claim "God is love?"

Rollins says he is not embracing relativism. He believes there are true things about God and the world. He seeks to redefine orthodoxy as "a term that signals a way of being in the world rather than a means of believing things about the world." (p. 3) That's fine as far as it goes, but why must it be either/or? Rollins previously said he is not reducing Christianity to an ethical system and then he says what's important is that you believe "in the right way," which he appears to go on to elaborate as loving in a Christlike manner. Now, I doubt Rollins would say I could believe God was a three-headed dragon of fury and still be orthodox as long as I was loving...but the ideas he's putting forth here seem to indicate that.

The priority of love is emphasized in Rollins' introduction to this first part of the book, and I think that is great. I also think it's important for us to realize that we cannot fully understand God. But I see two problems in this short introduction. First, Rollins claims any statement we make about God that we claim corresponds to reality is idolatrous. He then claims "God is love" and that we can "know God precisely" if we love. Second, Rollins wants to redefine orthodoxy as "believing in the right way" rather than "believing in the right things." I think it's important for orthodoxy to encompass both. I don't want to simply make an assertion though - Rollins goes into more detail as to why he believes these things as the book progresses (at least as far as I can tell) so I will deal with his "case" as we go. His introduction ends with this quote:

Orthodoxy as right belief will cost us little; indeed it will allow us to sit back with our Pharasaic doctrines, guarding the 'truth' with the purity of our interpretations. But orthodoxy, as believing in the right way, as bringing love to the world around us and within us...that will cost us everything. For to live by that sword, as we all know, is to die by it."(p. 3)

I think those are beautiful words and I resonate with them to an extent. I'm just not sure how Rollins can arrive at them based on his claim about doctrine being idolatry. Too often Christians become enraptured with their doctrines and beliefs and philosophies, constructing elaborate theologies that go way beyond what Scripture says or maybe even what is useful. But I don't think you can go all the way on the other end and claim any sort of doctrine about God is idolatry. In fact it would seem Rollins himself doesn't believe this because He makes a claim about God - that God is love. I can see what Rollins is reacting against but I'm not sure his reaction is the right one so far.

How (Not) to Speak of God - Pt. 1

I've heard from some various people such as Andrew Jones, Scot McKnight, and Trevor DeBenning (the only person I actually know of the three) that this book, How (Not) to Speak of God is a pretty big deal when it comes to understanding the developing theology of the so-called emerging church. My history with this movement/conversation/whatever is varied. My first exposure to anything emerging was Dan Kimball's book The Emerging Church, and from there I learned of such authors as Brian McLaren, Tony Jones, Doug Pagitt, Spencer Burke, and so forth. I've read books by all three and attended workshops/talks by some of them as well. It was back in 2001 that I first became aware of this developing thing and started to more or less keep up with it because I resonated with it. I joined the ooze and started to engage a bit in the thought and questions these people were asking, identifying with much of it.

For those not familiar with what I'm talking about, suffice it to say "the emerging church" or "the emergent church" or whatever you want to call it is a loose movement (calling itself a "conversation") wherein people are trying to figure out what it means to be Christian in today's world. By and large this is characterized by sympathy to a postmodern mindset wherein we are suspicious of claims to know "The Truth" or claims to have authority, etc. If you do a Google Search on the emerging church you'll find people who revile it as the latest gnostic heresy and others who consider it the saving grace of Christianity. It's difficult to try to pin down and you can't really understand it by reading a paragraph or even one book. I would like to think that I have read widely enough of blogs and books, listened to enough speakers and sermons, and whatever else to consider myself familiar and even to an extent understanding and resonating with much of what is called the emerging church. I certainly fit the profile of your typical person interested in this sort of thing. I'm a mid-20's Christian with facial hair, working with youth, in some way between a modern and postmodern mindset, trying to follow Christ in the midst of culture while being ashamed of/disgusted with/befuddled by much of contemporary American Christianity. I was more or less raised in the church but went through some severe doubting and questioning, and don't want to uncritically accept everything thrown my way "in the name of Jesus."

As I have read and kept track and watched the development of the emerging church thing I have become less enamored with the direction I see much of it taking. I appreciate a lot of it but I am growing wary of some of the things I hear/read. Also, I'm interested in discussing ideas and epistemology and all that, but I do feel at a certain point too much discussion reaches at best silliness or at worst pretentiousness. We people can become so interested in how profound our thoughts are that we keep talking long after we have stopped saying anything worth listening to. This may sound like an indictment of the emerging conversation but I don't meant it to be. I simply mean it as an indication of where I'm coming from. I like to talk about "deep" things in coffee shops as much as the next guy but at a certain point I can't take it anymore and I want to relate it back to actual life and living and consider the consequences of the belief. If you stay in theory too long, it becomes senseless when you return down to earth to apply the conclusions you've reached. Perhaps this makes me unqualified to interact with people who have Ph.D's in philosophy or perhaps it means that things of true depth simply fly over my head. So whatever thoughts I offer, of course feel free to disregard them as the ramblings of an uncomplicated mind who just doesn't get it.

Those things being said I want to interact a bit with what I'm reading in this book, How (Not) to Speak of God. Brian McLaren, a prominent figure in the emerging conversation, says it is "one of the most important contributions to date to the emergent church conversation." It is being heralded by many within the conversation as putting words to what they're thinking, of taking the conversation is a positive direction. With those credentials I figured I should check it out. I admit I am reading the book as a pseudo-skeptic with regard to the current direction of the emergent church conversation. My viewpoints should become apparent as I discuss various statements in the book so I won't bother to lay them out here. But I am reading this book as someone genuinely interested in many of the questions this conversation is asking, as someone dissatisfied with much of the prevailing thought regarding doctrine or theology or maybe even orthodoxy. I am not a doctrine hound, I am undecided on certain things, I am comfortable in embracing mystery when it comes to God, I am still working through what I truly believe about the Bible's inerrancy and inspiration and authority. I am not coming at this with my mind already made up.

I am reading this book to try to understand more of what the emerging church conversation is saying and where it is going. To see whether I really do disagree with where it's heading or if I've just been too fuzzy on it. As someone who was at first totally on board but is now less so. I want to apply whatever thinking I can to this book and seriously think about what it offers. I have decided to blog about it not because I think my thoughts are particularly profound, not because I think what I have to say is worth listening to, and not to root out them 'thar heretics in our ranks. I am blogging about it because I think this is a way I can actually think about what I am reading rather than simply tearing through it. I will also most likely not spend too much time refining my posts into masterpieces. This introductory post is already far too unwieldy and wordy. Nevertheless I will be comfortable with some rough edges and maybe some lack of development in my thoughts. If I wait to perfectly express what I am thinking I will never write anything down. So such as they will be, I welcome you to read my thoughts as I read through this book. This will be the first in a series of posts as I go through this book, How (Not) to Speak of God.

Don't make me sic her on you

the dad of a crying baby

Earlier today Janelle went to get a haircut and left me with Belle. Less than five minutes after Janelle walked out the door Belle started to cry hard. It wasn't a fussy cry so much as a cry that seemed to indicate something was really wrong. She seemed in pain but I had no idea how to fix what was wrong. Babies are capable of making a face that induces pity like no other. I've seen Belle cry before but for some reason this time it affected me more than usual and I was overcome with a desire to make it all better.

I thought the trouble might be with her clothes; she was wearing a new outfit so I guessed it might be irritating her skin or something. I took off her outfit and while she lay on the changing table her mood changed a bit and she even smiled and cooed a couple times. Soon she was fussing again and I put a different, proven outfit on her. This seemed to bother her less but she still stuck out that bottom lip and cried. I sat down in our rocking chair in her room and just held her up against my chest (and warm sweater) while she cried. She fussed a bit but started to calm down. After a while her crying started up again so I cradled her in my left arm and she buried her head in its crook. She calmed down and fell asleep in my arms.

I sat there, rocking back and forth, and was (as I sometimes am) struck by the fact that I am actually holding my daughter. This little baby girl is completely dependent on Janelle and I for everything, from food to security to warmth. She is part Janelle and part me. And she actually feels safe in my arms. I did my best to savor the moment. I imagined the different kinds of pain she would go through in life, from physical pain to having her heart broken to disappointment and, if she follows in her father's illustrious footsteps, even being teased at school. I hope I'm able to comfort her when she deals with those things. For now I'll do my best to enjoy having a baby, dirty diapers and all. I get the feeling the easiest part of being a dad is being the dad of a crying baby.

labels

Okay I discovered that Blogger made it a little easier to label posts than I expected. When you are tasked with labeling the category of things you post you realize how inane much of it is. Anyway I added some labels to some of my stuff. How helpful it is, who knows. I just know I like that I can.

it's almost over

First, real quick - I've just upgraded to the new version of Blogger. This basically means two things. One, my posts from here on out will probably have "labels" that categorize them. Then you'll be able to click over on my "labels" to the right and find any and all posts I've made with that label. There are 510 posts already on this blog and I do not intend on going back and labeling them. So I'll just do it from here on out and maybe label the occasional past entry. It also makes the archives for the blog a lot more manageable and easier to navigate, as you can see on the right side. That's all on that.

Right now I'm at seminary in the computer lab. I just finished taking my last final. My last two classes don't have finals per se, which is nice. In my preaching class we will be having the last few people present their last sermons (I gave mine last week). In my theology class tonight we will all be presenting our final projects and that will be it. So basically I'm done with anything intellectually demanding for seminary until February. I am very excited about this.

This past week has been insanely busy, as I've spent almost every waking hour getting my last projects and assignments done for school. Janelle has been awesome, taking care of Belle and taking care of me, making it possible for me to focus on schoolwork. Crossroads also had a big weekend with "dramatic impact," which is this thing we do periodically where the weekend services are all skits tied together rather than a sermon. I was in one of the skits so I had to make a couple practices during the week, and Saturday night/Sunday morning was full up. Then Sunday night Crossroads had its annual Christmas Banquet, which is a working night for me. It was actually a lot of fun. I think I was at least partially "happified" by the facts that (1) I'd finished my schoolwork and(2) Janelle and Belle were there and I got to walk around showing off my baby.

I am really excited for the next couple months, as I'll be able to spend more time focusing on Belle and Janelle. I will also be able to get a lot more reading done. I have a lot of books I want to read but haven't had the chance to. I'm also excited to do some more relaxing, video game playing, getting some more work done around the house, hanging out with some friends, and so on and so forth. School doesn't start up again until February and I intend on getting the most out of the time I have free from its grasp.

Christmas Pictures

Belle Christmas 2006
Originally uploaded by actionjax.

This morning Janelle and I braved Babies R Us in order to take some Christmas pictures of Belle (and Anthony). I've always looked with pity at those parents struggling to get their kids to behave and smile at the right time for the photographer. Just last week I was in there buying a humidifier and I saw the long line of parents and was quite thankful to not be among them. Working the timing out was actually a challenge. With an 8 week old baby you can't exactly threaten her into smiling. Instead Janelle used her Ninja Mommy skills to time everything perfectly. We arrived in time to be only the third family there, Janelle fed Belle and got her into a smiley mood, and it all worked out. Check out this picture. It makes standing in line worth it. There are other cute photos you can check out by clicking on this photo of Belle and looking at our flickr account.

Tis the Season for cute pictures of Belle, suckas!

feelings, we all have feelings

I am occasionally frustrated by how fickle my feelings can be. I think I'd say for a large portion of my life I've struggled with feeling depressed. Sometimes it's hit me more than others but I used to describe it as this well of sadness that I could never quite escape. I would drink from that well on some occasions more than others. Sometimes I got the impression that God would drag me out of depression to get me to keep going. Sometimes I also got the impression that I was just throwing a pity party I had no business throwing.

This past few weeks has taken a lot out of me. Today at school a professor said something to me that I normally would probably have shrugged off but it really bugged me. I borrowed a DVD from him and forgot to return it. When I apologized he said that "sorry wasn't enough" and something to the effect of "you gave me your word I didn't have to worry about getting it back." Normally something like that would probably bug me since I don't like disappointing people, let alone people I respect and/or look up to, but it wouldn't make me all gloomy afterwards. Today that's just what it did, and I realize it's not just because of that one thing but it's just the cumulative emotional effect of the past few weeks. Maybe even of the past eight weeks since Belle was born. But even the time right before Belle was born I remember looking forward to her birth so I could take a step back from everything else in my life and recharge. So who knows. All I know is right now I am pretty depleted and quite looking forward to the end of the semester.

I have also been reminded in this season that when it comes to spending time in solitude and prayer, spending time with God, it's not the sort of thing that you do in order to please God. Sometimes I get the idea in my head that I "should" read my bible and pray because that's the right thing to do. In reality I should do it because I need to do it. As time goes by I have a tendency to slide farther away from a vital connection with Christ and God just becomes the idea I center my life around rather than the driving force of my life and my loving Father. And that's the whole thing with God - He's not an idea or a cosmic impersonal force. I often trade in the fact that I study and talk about God with much of my time for the actual heart and soul connection. And that leads me to a place where when I'm beaten down a bit by life I'm throwing pity parties for myself instead of drawing on the strength God gives me every day.

still not sure

The good news is on Thanksgiving Day, in the evening, Janelle's pain subsided. Since then she's only had occasional pain and it generally hasn't been as severe as it was before. The bad news is the doctors don't know what's wrong with her and it's like pulling teeth getting them to pursue the issue. Janelle put a message in with her doctor today and we're hoping they'll follow up and not just let this fester until Janelle is incapacitated again.

Also, the 49ers blew a 4 point lead in the last two minutes today. They should've beaten the Rams and be 6-5. Many people will criticize Mike Nolan for his decision to kick a field goal instead of go for it on 4th and 1 toward the end of the game. I think he made a fine decision. Gore was out, Robinson had just been stuffed on 3 and 1. All day the 49ers D had been playing pretty well. Giving your defense a 1 TD lead to hold onto with 2 minutes left is totally reasonable. I think you put way more pressure on your D if you make it so they can't even give up a FG. So Mike Nolan, I think you made the right call. The next right call you need to make is cutting Hudson, who incurred a delay of game penalty by laying on top of Steven Jackson like a sack of mentally deficient potatoes. That just may have cost us the game because the Rams were out of timeouts and the wouldn't have had time to organize the winning TD pass to Curtis.

I remain happy about the direction the 49ers are going and hope to see continued development. The big problem is you never know with injuries and free agency how many people you can actually count on to be part of the team. So I hope the Yorks are able to do something they've been up to this point unable to do and not screw up a good thing with the 49ers. They need to keep Nolan, keep the coaches, and keep this core of players. I'm okay with losing Kwame Harris to free agency though.

still waiting

Wednesday morning Janelle had a radiologist appointment and had an ultrasound in order to hopefully reveal the location of her gallstones. I called this morning and as it turns out no gallstones were visible on the ultrasound and her organs appear normal. I made an appointment for Janelle with a Doctor, and the Doctor said everything appears to indicate gallstones but in the absence of any gallstones on the ultrasound he does not want to schedule a surgery. If she has this surgery and the problem isn't solved then it was a big waste. He gave her some medicine to take 30 minutes before she eats to help reduce the pain. He said to give it a couple days, try trial and error with food, and then wait to hear from her Doctor to figure out what to do next.

Upon returning home Janelle had taken the medicine and ate a persimmon and a little bit of Malt-o-Meal. Her pain returned and steadily increased, seemingly undaunted by the presence of so many drugs in Janelle's system. She is once again curled up on the bed in pain, sleepy from the meds. There is really no end in sight to this. Blech.

perdue medical station update

Janelle went to the ER last night around 12:30 because the pain was so intense. Thankfully my Mom came into town last night and is staying with us so she's been playing chaffeur since she got here. She spent a few hours there and the result was she got some Vicodin and an appointment at the radiologist for this morning. She went there at 9:30 this morning for an ultrasound and the initial response of the radiologist was that they didn't see any gallstones. A doctor will review it over the next couple days (one of which is Thanksgiving so I'm not particularly hopeful regarding the expediency of the medical professionals) and get back to us. I'm hoping if this isn't gallstones it's something they can quickly identify and treat.

Since she got home with a couple more prescriptions Janelle has been laying in bed in pain, even with Vicodin in her. I 'm pretty sure she's been asleep most of the time which is better than her writhing in pain. There's not much we can do at this point but wait, as we've done what we can to get them to take her seriously. Supposedly the doctor at this latest ER visit was more sympathetic than any previous doctor and seemed interested in getting to the bottom of this, so I hope he's involved in the continuing unfolding of whatever it is that's happening to Janelle.

On the bright side Belle has been an angel and my Mom has been helping me watch and take care of her. Thank you to you guys offering help/support/etc. I'm not really sure what could be done at this point unless you have miraculous Word of Knowledge or voodoo that will take the pain away and fix what's wrong with Janelle. My Mom being here is helping a lot with the little things I might ask you for. But rest assured if I think of something or something comes up I'll let you know. It means a lot to know we have friends willing to help and stuff.

an update on the update

Janelle is still in pain, went to the doctor's today, and now he thinks she does indeed have gallstones. She has to call tomorrow to schedule an ultrasound or catscan or something to locate them. If she has them she will require surgery to have them removed. Until then she experiences intense pain periodically in her stomach and back. If you know Janelle you know she's not a wuss, so the pain must be severe. Sucks. At least I'm better, so if Janelle goes under the knife Belle won't have a sick dad taking care of her for a while.

update on Janelle

Well the good thing is Janelle didn't have to spend the night at the hospital and they don't think she has gallstones. At first the doctor said she thought she saw some, but now she says she doesn't think there are any. Instead she thinks Janelle had some sort of gastric attack and that there is too much acid in her stomach or the lining in her stomach is weakened, or something like that. The treatment is for Janelle to take Zantac every day, avoid spicy/fatty/chocolaty/tasty food, and hopefully she'll get better. I think the fact that she got the stomach bug and lost her appetite resulted in less food in her stomach for the acid to interact with so it decided to party with her stomach lining which didn't appreciate it very much.

So lucky for Belle, and lucky for me, Janelle is back at home and it looks like she's going to be fine. It might act up again and if it does she's supposed to go back because it might be a gallstone. She also had some count in her blood that was way higher than it's supposed to be so she needs to return in 10 days to have her blood checked again. If it's still high she may have some sort of parasitic infection. But I suppose that can wait.

Now I must restore my stomach to health so I can eat proper food to strengthen up for the flag football game and subsequent feasting on Thanksgiving.