I am occasionally frustrated by how fickle my feelings can be. I think I'd say for a large portion of my life I've struggled with feeling depressed. Sometimes it's hit me more than others but I used to describe it as this well of sadness that I could never quite escape. I would drink from that well on some occasions more than others. Sometimes I got the impression that God would drag me out of depression to get me to keep going. Sometimes I also got the impression that I was just throwing a pity party I had no business throwing.
This past few weeks has taken a lot out of me. Today at school a professor said something to me that I normally would probably have shrugged off but it really bugged me. I borrowed a DVD from him and forgot to return it. When I apologized he said that "sorry wasn't enough" and something to the effect of "you gave me your word I didn't have to worry about getting it back." Normally something like that would probably bug me since I don't like disappointing people, let alone people I respect and/or look up to, but it wouldn't make me all gloomy afterwards. Today that's just what it did, and I realize it's not just because of that one thing but it's just the cumulative emotional effect of the past few weeks. Maybe even of the past eight weeks since Belle was born. But even the time right before Belle was born I remember looking forward to her birth so I could take a step back from everything else in my life and recharge. So who knows. All I know is right now I am pretty depleted and quite looking forward to the end of the semester.
I have also been reminded in this season that when it comes to spending time in solitude and prayer, spending time with God, it's not the sort of thing that you do in order to please God. Sometimes I get the idea in my head that I "should" read my bible and pray because that's the right thing to do. In reality I should do it because I need to do it. As time goes by I have a tendency to slide farther away from a vital connection with Christ and God just becomes the idea I center my life around rather than the driving force of my life and my loving Father. And that's the whole thing with God - He's not an idea or a cosmic impersonal force. I often trade in the fact that I study and talk about God with much of my time for the actual heart and soul connection. And that leads me to a place where when I'm beaten down a bit by life I'm throwing pity parties for myself instead of drawing on the strength God gives me every day.