mosquitos can all burn in the fiery depths of hell
That may sound a little harsh. But let's all realize what time it is. It's now 6:02am on a Sunday morning. A Sunday in which I will be very busy until I drive down to Santa Barbara after youth group, which ends around 9 or 9:30. Why am I up at this time? I have been the victim of the single most bloodthirsty mosquito God ever cursed the earth with.
I'm not sure when I first woke up last night...but I woke up itching my right arm, about halfway between the shoulder and elbow. This in and of itself was not alarming to me. After a short while I was back asleep.
A small buzzing near my ear woke me up an indeterminate amount of time later. I think it was sometime around 3am. It was at that point I realized I was not alone in my room and that itching on my arm had developed into a bump. I swatted at the empty air a bit in a desperate, delerious attempt to kill my would-be attacker, but to no avail. I wasn't sure what kind of bug was in my room; I didn't recognize the distinctive buzzing of a mosquito and thought surely it must be some other form of small insect. Due to the hour I figured I would just go to sleep and it would go away. In order to gain some sort of protection, I wrapped myself up in my blanket as tightly as I could, exposing only my head. My head has ears, you see, which would theoretically warn me of the creature's approach, so I figured I would be safe. Such is my thought process in a mostly-sleeping state.
Alas, the vermin I was cursed with was no mere gnat. It was a mosquito. A mosquito of the most vicious kind.
I woke again later, this time with a terrible itching on the inside of my foot. It seems my sleeping self had very little interest in protection from this ravaging insect. I was annoyed, and realized the bloodsucker had paid another visit to my right arm. Frustrated, I scratched at my foot. But I wasn't sure what to do. It was 4am. It was dark. It was a freakin' mosquito.
Surely the beast drank its fill, I think to myself. There's no way it would keep sucking my blood. It's gotta be full. With that I determined I would go back to sleep and make sure I got enough rest for my busy day. I scratched a thousand psychosomatic itches and allowed myself to sleep.
It seems, however, that the vile thing had not finished its feast most foul...its feast of blood. Upon waking I immediately realized I'd caught it on my left wrist; it fled when I shook my hand and uttered an incoherent but umistakably angry "Augh!" I am not convinced that this bug wasn't trying to open my wrists up so it could bathe in a river of blood. It had found a target that wouldn't move and was probably beside itself with excitement. Realizing its window may be short, my nemesis must have resolved to kill me as I slept. Unfortunately for the mosquito, that would be the last time it sucked the life out of anyone's veins.
After realizing this bug would not rest until my spirit was loosed from my body I decided I had to get up. Sure it was 5:45am and sure I had a long day...but if I'm not careful I may end up a dried up husk by the time I really want to get up. So I got up, turned on my light, and looked around for my adversary. It was nowhere to be found. Rather than spend my time in a fruitless search for vengeance, I decided to be the bigger man and vent about the experience on my blog.
No doubt delerious from the massive intake of blood it had received all night, the mosquito went for one last run at me. In a wakened and angry state, however, that mosquito soon learned it would be unable to draw any more sweet sweet blood from this victim. This final attempt on my life made me realize this was one foe that would not be satisfied until I lay still and lifeless; as such, I knew I must do most righteous battle with it.
I stood with my back to the door of my room and surveyed the situation. I calmly searched the room for my antagonist. Eventually I saw it, bloated and evil, on the wall between my room and Jesse's. Doubtless it could sense the presence of another life through those walls and was planning its next victim. Never had it been more obvious that I must vanquish this vulgar affront to all of creation. Clearly it was some ancient god come to life, beginning its return to unholy power and depravity right here in Fremont. Thankfully for all of mankind, I was up to the task; grasping my Rainbow Sandal, which shone like Excalibur in my hand, I strode forward to embrace my destiny.
Swollen as it was with my blood, the olde god dodged my clumsy attack. There was a loud crack as the sandal hit the wall; my roommates may have been disturbed, but surely they would understand. I was saving their lives. Nay, saving the very planet from this marauding villain. I soon realized that the sandal made an inadequate weapon and searched for another suitable implement of destruction. I felt my hand guided to a paper on my desk - it was from a Bible Study Jesse had led on the Holy Spirit. As I lifted and unfolded the paper like some holy parchment, my enemy alighted on the wall in front of me. Now was the time to strike.
My approach was slow, but the killing blow came faster than even this abomination of desolation could have anticipated. I pulled the page from the wall and saw my blood there. Colorful and red and alive - the blackness of the fiend's soul had not yet fully contaminated it. As I stared at the body of this once mighty death-monger, I was filled with a mix of disgust and respect; it had secured many times its body weight in my own lifeblood. I breathed a sigh of relief and sat in my chair, free from the glutton's tyranny.
And now, in a world liberated from one more danger, I sit here and share my tale with you. Perhaps I should have warned at the outset it was not for the faint of heart. But what has been written has been written, and sometimes an exposure to the truly horrific things in life can grow a person. It is my hope that rather than being traumatized by my harrowing experience, you are invigorated and emboldened to continue the fight against the menace that threatens to consume us all. The mosquito.
[picture removed because it's kinda gross]
It's a dark world we live in people. We must be ever vigilant.